Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
