Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
How's work?
Spinning.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Randomize
