I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
