if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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