Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
