he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
