A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
