Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
