In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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