shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
