I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
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She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
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I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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