i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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