I think im going to throw up on grandma
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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