just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
