She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
