hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
not ubering you a puppy
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
