do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
