Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
