the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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