We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
