i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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