You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
