Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Randomize
