how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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