You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
