I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
