Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My ass is underappreciated
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
