hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
