Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just tell him i said nine months
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
