why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
