I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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