nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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