Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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