so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
