I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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