my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
