I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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