i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
