i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Randomize
