Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
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He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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