The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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