ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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