I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
