If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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