Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
