can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
