Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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