It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
