I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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