he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
