I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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