Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
