i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
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So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
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I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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