I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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