im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
