when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
