she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Randomize
