Heybabeimwearingurpanties
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
