i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
