if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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