why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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